Mario Beats Me. And I Like It!


I have been loving the retro handheld games of late. The pick up and play style fits perfectly into my current schedule and provides that much needed moment of relaxation and escape. This handheld revival has seen me opt for a game of Out Run on the Game Gear over my F1 2012 campaign and PAC-MAN on Android over BF3!

As well as reigniting my love for this outstanding and varied section of gaming history it has also brought to light my inability to play a certain game

Super Mario Land


Now I am fully aware that there are plenty of gamers out there that can breeze through this game like Stevie Wonder – I am not one of them. Super Mario Land hates me! The game itself is not a complicated affair and is highly regarded by many in the handheld world as a good game. Released in 1989, as the successor to Super Mario Bros on the NES, Super Mario Land features our little Italian friend bounding his way across 4 worlds each consisting of 3 stages. Or in my hands, features our little Italian friend jumping off platforms, falling down holes, being crushed by falling bricks and not making it past stage 2 of world 2! That’s right! I have made it no further than stage 2 of world 2 – I suck. I suck harder than the cast of The Only Way is Essex on an Ice Lolly tasting day.  The strange thing is that although I suck at this game I just can’t stop. Every time I leap senselessly into the void, run straight into a goomba or die trying to get that dam invincibility star – I just swear really loudly and carry on. I must have played the first world 100 times in the last week alone! and still I go back for more. It seems that Super Mario Land has made me its bitch.

tumblr_mbga2bDU9L1qj6jppo1_500 Here is a part of the game I have seen a lot!

The big question is – What keeps me coming back? Is it the gripping story line? The stunning visuals? The constant taunting and humiliation at the hands of my friends and fellow gamers? The story is pretty standard for a Mario game. You are making your way through Sarasaland in pursuit of the evil alien Tatanga who has kidnapped Princess Daisy. The graphics are classic Game Boy and, to be honest, are a big part of the games draw. But the real reason, the craving like the sweet kiss of  heroin constantly calling me back – The challenge! Super Mario Land is an incredibly addictive challenge and that’s what makes it so much fun. Every time I make it further than the last attempt all I want to do is go again.  Much like a 16 year old boy locked in a room with a drunk Cheryl Cole – I have to hit that! (in a sexual way. Not a Chris Brown kind of way)

If you are looking for an addictive gaming experience but don’t have the time to get stuck into Bioshock or Tomb Raider. Give Super Mario Land a go. It also helps if you suck at it.

NB – As I type this my girlfriend has just walked in and announced that she just finished Super Mario Land…. with 8 lives to spare! God Damn I suck!

Fat Abbot

[1001] Stay in the shadows… avoid the light

While playing Dishonored, I heard those words. And I thought… I’ve heard that before. Someone else has taken the time to show you exactly where in the vid above, but it was a wonderful moment – reminding me of some good times.

I recently finished Dishonored, and I’d say it was one of the best games of 2012. Plenty about it was awesome, but most of all I probably enjoyed it the most because (as you see above) it reminded me of the Thief series – which started in 1998 but in my view peaked with the sequel Thief II: The Metal Age in 2000.

1001 No.66: ‘Thief: The Dark Project’ (1998)
and No.67: ‘Thief II: The Metal Age’ (2000)

Thief was one of those special moments in gaming, an attempt to create something new. It essentially shaped a new genre in gaming, of stealth – and in first-person too, something that hadn’t been tried before. It was set in an awesome steampunk-style medieval age, and heavily relied on lighting and sound in the gameplay.

thief 1

It still had flaws (sometimes too many zombies and undead monsters spoiling the mood a little), but Thief II did away with many of these – getting close to perfection, and becoming a real gaming classic. Levels are huge, taking hours to complete, but the atmosphere is incredible – and there’s still nothing so satisfying as sneaking up on an unsuspecting mumbling guard, before smacking him over the head with your trusty blackjack.

Dishonored awakened all those memories within me of good times with Thief; and for that I’m grateful. But now I think I’m going to have to go back and play them all again.


Thief 4… on the way? There’s a full reveal over at gameinformer.

I Need To Use The Bathroom


If you cast your minds back to April 2011 you may remember the UCHG’s appeal for help? The help was needed to end the suffering at the hands of this little bastard.


The UCHG reached out to the public for assistance in getting rid of this mustachioed menace. Originally brought in to guard the collection he had grown too powerful and had developed a thirst for world domination!

As the years went by the tiny camo covered meanie became more and more of a pain in the ass. Dictating which games were to be played and when, what console would make the top 5 list and even providing a schedule for when Ross could breath in and then out. In an effort to end the torment, the men of the UCHG imprisoned the maniacal moustache wearing menace in a cupboard and vowed never to open it again. Until now!

A call came through to the UCHG HQ office phone, which was odd as not even the UCHG know the number for the office phone. On the other end of the phone was a lady calling herself Diana and claiming to work for the ICA. She said she had seen our appeal and was in a position to assist with our little issue. She was to send us a new member of the team.


Agent 47

What will 47 bring to the team? At this point all we can say is – This town isn’t big enough for the both of them…

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